Silent

So here am again with my 3^rd blog, procrastinating from studying my last two exams for tomorrow, to talk about me being a quiet prim being.

At school, I am typically one of those people who talk less which results to not being that noticed or remembered. I am not that girl who tells little significant or insignificant stories that happened to me yesterday or any other day to anyone I see most of the time. I am not that someone who has a lot of things to say. I just don’t share what I have in mind that often. I do so when I feel like it. Probably because I am shy, yes I am a shy person that is why I usually vent out my feelings and thoughts through writing so I won’t explode into bits of bazillion tiny particles. Maybe another factor would be is that I am just not a good conversation starter. I am usually the one who ends it simply ‘coz I have nothing else to say or I don’t know how to continue it. I don’t even know why I actually pursued HRM wherein supposedly I need to do a lot of talking and interacting with people. It was sort of a stupid decision. However it is not too late to practice good communication skills, so there is still hope for me.

Anyway, ever since I was young I was not fond of talking (I could not remember though if I talked a lot when I was in nursery or kindergarten or preparatory school or my early elementary days). I am more of a listener. When in a conversation I seldom say what’s on my mind or show a valid reaction whatsoever. I commonly do an “Oh really?” or “Oh, is that so?” or maybe a short “Ah~” worst a simple nod or smile. That does not sound enticing to move on further with our convo does it? When I was a kid, my brothers and I used to hang out with our cousins. I was the only girl in the circle; my female cousins were already in abroad, so I kinda don’t have anyone to spend time with excluding my mother of course. I end up “bonding” with them. Since I am a girl, I could not understand most of the discussions they had. So as a result I keep my mouth shut. Then I guess hypothetically that is another reason why I am so quiet.

During my elementary days, I have encountered a person who told me behind my back I was boring.  What made her say that? Well, we had this year-ender party at school celebrating the upcoming festive holidays early before school ends for the time being, to give way well…for the holiday break. Now, I was asked if I could be the host in our class party. Of course I was honored to do so. I mean, no one ever requested if I could host… Host a party… For someone who is pretty silent, a hosting job won’t really be fit for that individual. Unfortunately that was me. So that person told my other classmates that I was not the best person for the task. True she is (since I don’t speak a lot), but along with those words, she added the reason why. It was because I was boring. Just because I don’t talk much it is equivalent to being a boring person? I seriously did not get it that time, I was young and naive.  Maybe she just prefers those people who are talkative like her to be qualified as hosts? 

So that puzzled me up to now… Am I really dull? My silence is a disadvantage? Do my friends just put up with me and pretend that they enjoy my company but in fact they don’t? Do I seem too serious just because I am not chatty? I haven’t heard anyone say they enjoy my company… well I don’t question them about that anyway but when other people are asked to describe this or that person they say, “It’s  fun being with him or her.” or “I always laugh or have a good time with him or her."  I never heard someone tell that about me. It kinda saddens me now that I think about it, although as I have said I really haven’t asked anybody regarding that and I don’t think I will any time soon. Also add the ugly truth that I don’t know humor. It was and still is not in my vocabulary. People usually notice humorous people don’t they? To spice up their tiresome lives perhaps? So I guess that was the main reason why I was called boring purely ‘coz I don’t know how to make or say jokes. Probably my soft, low-toned voice is also a culprit? Screw my life then. I’d be one of those “Forever Alone” human beings. Haha, okay okay I am exaggerating already but you get the point. However that is not the only existing basis of having a good relationship with others right?

I had a friend who told me my silence was comforting which was touching. I just wish it was the same for others. I am afraid that they might feel awkward since they are not used to not having exchange of dialogues. If only I could tell them that I do feel sane whenever I keep quiet and that I am not accustomed to a lot of talking as well. It is my way of relaxing from a stressful day or merely my “yoga” for every single day, but of course I would sound weird trying to explain myself when they weren't asking for it.  

I also experienced those times (many many times) when I do get the chance to talk, people coincidentally  don't listen... so what is the point of talking if no one is listening to what you have to say anyway? I'll just embarrass myself. Haha. 

Recently though I am trying my best to start and keep conversations running smoothly. I still have not gotten the hang of it, but I hope I will soon, although I could not and will not remove that part of me being quiet. It is my method of reflecting on a day to day basis actually and a way to appreciate life.   The shy part, well I really have to lessen that in order for me to get a decent job in the future. Up to this day it is still unclear to me if I, a silent female individual, bring joy to those around me. I guess I’ll just not think about it too much.  It got me thinking, doesn't it add mystery if a girl or boy speaks less? Wouldn't that intrigue you to know more about the person? One last thing, if I do talk a lot when I am with a person that someone is awesome that he or she can turn, even a quiet girl like me to be talkative. Haha.